19.04.2022
7 SKILLS THAT DISTINGUISH SUCCESSFUL CHILDREN FROM THOSE WHO HAVE DIFFICULTIES
When she began her career as a teacher of children at risk, most of the students of educational psychologist and author Michel Borba lived in poverty, were bullied or had learning difficulties, emotions or physical disabilities. She wanted to help them succeed.
As an educational psychologist, she learns a very important lesson: people who thrive are built, they are not born that way. Children need a safe, loving and structured childhood, but they also need independence, competence and the ability to thrive.
After reviewing a number of studies on the traits most commonly associated with optimizing children's ability to thrive, Struggle identifies seven skills that children need to improve mental endurance, resilience, social competence, self-awareness, and moral strength.
They are what separate successful children from those who have difficulty:
Most parents equate arrogance with self-confidence. They tell their children, "You're special," or "You can be anything you want."
However, there is little evidence that increasing self-esteem increases school success or even happiness. Studies show that children who give their grades to their own efforts and strengths are more successful than children who feel they have no control over how they do at school.
True self-confidence is the result of a person doing well, facing obstacles, making decisions. If you solve your child's problems or do tasks for him, it just makes him think, "They don't believe I can."
Children who have self-confidence know that they can fail, but they can also stand up again, and that is why we must refrain from hovering over them and saving them constantly.
This trait has three distinctive types: affective empathy, when we share another person's feelings and feel his emotions; behavioral empathy when anxiety drives us to act with compassion; and cognitive empathy when we understand the other person's thoughts or put ourselves in their shoes.
Children need emotional vocabulary to develop compassion. Here are the ways we can teach them this:
Identify emotions: Purposefully identify emotions in the context of helping them build emotional vocabulary: "You are happy!" "You look upset."
Ask questions, "How did that make you feel?" "You look scared. Am I right?" help your child realize that all feelings are normal. How we choose to express them is something that can cause us problems.
You share feelings: Children need to express their feelings in a safe way. Create this space by sharing your own emotions: "I couldn't sleep well and I'm irritable." "I am disappointed with this book."
Mark others: Point out the faces and body language of people in the library or park: "How do you think this person feels?" "Have you ever felt this way?"
The ability to control your attention, emotions, thoughts, actions and desires is one of the strongest traits of success, as well as a surprisingly untapped secret to helping children recover and thrive.
One way to teach them self-control is by giving signals. Some children have difficulty shifting their focus between different activities. For this reason, teachers use "attention signals", such as ringing a bell or word of mouth: "Pencils down, look up."
Create an alert system together and then expect attention. Use phrases like "I need your attention in a minute." "Prepare to listen?"
Another technique is the use of stress breaks. Delaying gives them time to think. Teach your child that he can use a pause to remind him to stop and think before he acts: "If you are angry, count to 10 before answering." "When in doubt: stop, think, calm down." "Don't say anything you don't want to say about you."
Integrity is a set of moral beliefs, attitudes, and skills that create a moral compass that children can use to know and do what is right.
Exposing your personal expectations is a big part of the puzzle. However, it is equally important to give them the opportunity to develop their own moral identity that separates them from ours.
It is also helpful to consider and praise ethical behavior when your child demonstrates it so that he or she realizes that you value it. Indicate honesty, then describe the action so that your child knows what he or she has done to receive praise.
Using the word "because" makes your praise more specific: "You showed integrity because you refused to spread this gossip." "You showed integrity because you kept your promise to go with your friend, even though you had to miss the party!"
Curiosity is the awareness, persecution and desire of a person to explore new, challenging and uncertain events.
To help your children build curiosity, get them to use their imagination. You can, for example, provide them with paper clips to list how many different unusual ways they can be used.
Another method is to model curiosity. Instead of saying, "This is not going to happen," try "Let's see what happens!" Instead of answering, ask, "What do you think?" "How do you know?" "How can you understand?"
Lastly, if you're reading a book, watching a movie, or just walking past someone, use "I'm wondering" questions: "I wonder what he's doing." "I wonder why they do that." "I wonder what will happen next."
Persistence helps children to continue when everything else tells them to give up.
Mistakes can prevent children from getting things done and succeeding. So don't let your child describe their problem as an accident. Instead, help him focus and determine exactly where he stumbled.
Some children give up because they feel overwhelmed by "all their problems" or "all their tasks." Dividing tasks into smaller parts helps children who have trouble focusing or starting something.
For example, you can close all math problems without the top row. At the end of each row, move the sheet down.
Older children can write down each task on a sticky note, sorting them by difficulty and completing them one by one. Encourage them to do the hardest thing first so they don't get stressed about it. Confidence and perseverance are built as children do more and more things on their own.
Optimistic children see challenges as something temporary that can be overcome, so they are more likely to succeed.
However, there is an opposite attitude - pessimism. Children who are pessimistic see the challenges as permanent, concrete blocks that are impossible to move and are more likely to give up.
Teaching our children optimism begins with us. Children perceive our words as their inner voices, so for the next few days, follow the messages you usually send and evaluate the prospects you offer your children.
On average, would you say that you are more optimistic or pessimistic? You usually describe things as positive or negative; for you the glass is half full or half empty; good or bad; through pink or blue glasses? Would your friends and relatives say the same about you?
If you see that you are leaning towards "half empty", remember that the change begins by looking in the mirror. If you see pessimism, write why being more optimistic would help.
Change is difficult, but it is important to be an example of what you want your children to learn.
