25.10.2021
SUCCESS TECHNIQUES: SEVEN STRATEGIES TO HELP YOU LIVE WITH UNCERTAINTY
What should we do when we feel that nothing is under control?
Living with so much insecurity is difficult. People crave information about the future in the same way they crave primary things, such as food, sex, and so on.
Our brains see ambiguity as a threat and try to protect us by reducing our ability to concentrate on anything other than creating security.
Sometimes, and perhaps always, it is more effective for us not to try to create security. Although evolution has prepared our brains to resist uncertainty, we can never really know what the future holds.
And during incredible situations, such as a pandemic that has severely affected our daily lives and destroyed our best-prepared plans, we must learn to live with ambiguity, writes Christine Carter, author and sociologist at Greater Good.
"Uncertainty is the only sure thing," says mathematician John Alan Paulos. "Knowing how to live with insecurity is our only security."
So how do we cope in the best possible way when we feel that everything is out of control?
Here are seven strategies for this:
There is no doubt that we are currently going through a difficult period.
However, if we resist the current reality, it will not help us to recover, learn, grow and feel better. The irony is that resistance prolongs our pain and difficulties by intensifying the emotions we experience.
There is an alternative.
Instead of resisting, we can practice acceptance. Research by psychologist Christine Neff and her colleagues shows that acceptance - and in particular self-acceptance - is the counter-intuitive secret to happiness. Acceptance is dealing with life as it is and moving forward.
Because acceptance allows us to see the situation in the present moment, it frees us to move forward instead of being paralyzed or ineffective by insecurity or fear.
In order to practice acceptance, we give up our resistance to a problematic situation and our emotions about the situation. For example, you may find your marriage a special challenge right now. However, instead of criticizing or blaming your partner - two tactics that are related to resistance, you can safely accept your marriage as it is now.
This does not mean that you will not feel frustrated or sad about the state of affairs. Much of the acceptance is accepting how we feel about the difficult circumstances and people in our lives. However, if we allow our marriage to be as it is now and take into account our feelings, it puts us in a better position to move forward.
To be clear, acceptance is not the same as refusal. Accepting a situation does not mean that it will never improve. We do not accept that things will remain the same forever; we only accept what is happening at the moment.
We can make an effort to make our marriage happier while at the same time allowing for the reality that is now. These relationships are complex. Maybe the situation will improve, maybe not.
Practicing acceptance in times of difficulty is difficult, but it is also the most effective way to move forward.
The best resource you currently have to contribute to the world is you. When this resource is depleted, your most valuable assets are damaged. In other words, when we don't invest enough in our body, mind, or spirit, we destroy our most important tools to live the best life possible.
We humans do not do well when we put off taking care of ourselves. We need to maintain relationships that give us a sense of connection and meaning; we need to get enough sleep and rest when we are tired; and we have to spend time in fun and games, just for the joy of it.
Don't confuse self-care with selfishness. Selfishness is focusing on oneself. Egoists often refer to themselves as using words like me, me, and mine. They pursue inherent goals, such as maintaining a youthful appearance or building a certain image on social media.
They often want more money, fame or approval from others. This type of self-focus is associated with stress, anxiety, depression, and health problems such as heart disease. So Carter definitely does not recommend selfishness, but self-care personal growth.
One of the most important ways we can invest in ourselves is by calming down in healthy ways. If we want to be flexible, we must feel safe. When we are insecure or in danger, our brain tries to save us by activating the dopamine secretion systems. This dopamine surge encourages us to seek rewards, which makes temptations even more tempting.
Think of it as if your brain is pushing you to something that calms you down, like a glass of wine instead of a reasonable bedtime. Or a whole bowl of cupcakes. Or any other item in your shopping cart when shopping online.
However, instead of resorting to social media, poor quality food, alcohol or spending to calm our shaky nerves, we do better when we can calm down in healthier ways.
Make a list of healthy ways to calm down. Can you put on a mask and go out alone or for a walk with someone? Schedule a call with a friend? Think about what you are grateful for? Allow yourself to take a nap? Watch a fun video on YouTube?
These things may seem small, but they allow us to be the people we want to be.
Probably the most important stress-reducing tactic Carter says she's learned is not believing everything she thinks. In times of uncertainty, it is especially important not to believe thoughts that lead you to the worst-case scenario.
Of course, considering the worst-case scenarios can be helpful in order to actively avoid a catastrophe. However, when we believe in these stressful thoughts, we tend to react emotionally as if the worst case scenario is already happening in life, not just in our heads. We grieve for things we haven't actually lost and react to events that don't actually happen. This makes us feel threatened, scared and unsafe when we just believe our thoughts.
Instead of clinging to every stressful thought, we can actively imagine the best possible scenario. This goes against our natural tendency to exaggerate the risks and negative consequences.
The opposite of insecurity is not security, but presence. Instead of imagining a scary and uncertain future, it is better to use your attention. Every time you wash your hands, you may ask yourself: How are you doing right now?
Make a note of what emotions you are experiencing and where in your body you are experiencing those emotions.
Even when we feel that nothing is under control, we can control what to pay attention to. We may turn off our notifications to prevent what is happening on social media and in the news from distracting us. We can give up our thoughts and negative fantasies by paying attention to what is happening in our inner world, right here and right now in the present.
Paying attention to what is happening inside us at all times prevents external reality from determining our inner truth. This allows us to cultivate calm, open-mindedness and control the way we react.
When we act as if we are powerless, we fall into the trap of stories that make us feel angry and helpless. Then we begin to hope that other people will save us from our unhappiness.
Although it feels good for others to pay attention to us, most rescuers don't really help. Our friends may want to save us because when helping others one feels good and their intentions may be noble.
Emotionally supportive friends (or therapists) see us as capable of dealing with their own problems. They ask questions that help us focus on what we really want, not what we don't want.
In short: To best deal with insecurity, we must stop complaining. When we stop focusing too much on a problem, we can focus on the end result we want. How can we get the most out of this mess? What can we gain in this situation?
When we take responsibility for our own lives, we exchange the false power of being a victim of the real power that comes from creating the life we want.
We humans are best motivated by our importance to other people. We will work harder, more and better, and we will feel happier about the work we do when we know that our efforts are helping someone else.
For example, teenagers who provide support to people during crises feel more connected to the community. Studies show that we feel good when we can stop thinking so much about ourselves and supporting others.
When we see something that needs improvement, our next step is to figure out what we can do personally to be part of the solution.
Meaning and purpose are sources of hope. When the world seems scary or uncertain to us, if we know what our meaning is to others and have a sense of purpose, it can ground us better than anything else.
Don't just wait for this difficult period to end. Don't put up with your misfortune while you wait for the pandemic to subside. What have you always wanted to do? How do you hope things will end? How can you live fully in these times? Live this life.
