27.02.2025

LISTENING AS SPIRITUAL HOSPITALITY IS A SPRINGBOARD FOR SUCCESS. EXERCISES TO LEARN IT

Can you listen? If your honest answer is "yes", then you are one of the lucky ones. From the rare breed of people who have this innately, or from those stubborn ones who have cultivated this quality in themselves. Because, if you will believe it, psychologists claim after a lot of research that only 10% of modern people know how to listen.

From modern humans, because the percentage has been decreasing in recent years. The old-fashioned upbringing of not interrupting your conversation is somehow dying out more and more. Today's life is so dynamic and there are so many distractions around that people lose both their patience and their ability to listen. Not out of disrespect to the interlocutor, but because they are in a hurry. Not out of lack of interest, but because the smartphone signals a new message that requires immediate attention. It might not be from the boss, but from Facebook. Social media is a form of noise and is full of people who want to talk to their friends, not talk to their friends.

"We simply live in a cacophony of urgent tasks overwhelming us like an avalanche and constantly inundated with signals, because of which we can no longer listen effectively and even change the very concept of listening. We don't listen to understand, we listen to respond", psychologists point out.

If you put your hand on your heart, you will admit that for months you do not remember a situation in your work where you listened calmly. In fact, you've mainly been looking for ways to step in to have your say—to express a judgment, ask a question, or steer the conversation in a more important direction. Even a friend at work, when she shares something, you wonder how to quickly interrupt with advice to check off that task as well.

"Listening is much more than letting someone speak while you wait for your chance to respond. The beauty of listening is that people begin to feel accepted. Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become your friends." says Prof. Henry Nouen. And this is the foundation of trust that enables cooperation.

Therefore, if you learn to listen effectively, you help each other communicate and achieve your goals more easily. It sounds harsh, but think about it, when is it easier to agree with the person to whom you are offering something - if you interrupt him or if you patiently listen to him?

Also, as you listen to interrupt or respond, you understand less. Your very goal distracts you.

Psychologists believe that you can get into that 10% of people who can listen effectively if you practice. Practice creates all kinds of habits, listening is no exception.

You need a volunteer for your workouts, so get your spouse or if you have a teenager at home to join. It will also be useful for your partner - for his personal and professional development, even for peace at home.

The exercise only takes four minutes, but it will prepare you for what it feels like to listen actively so that you can apply it to your everyday relationships.

With the volunteer, face each other with no distractions around. You need a timer set to 2 minutes. If you're using a phone, keep it on airplane mode so it doesn't interrupt you at any time.

Ask a question. It can be quite simple, for example "What happened to you today". For two minutes, one of you will talk and the other will listen. Then you'll switch roles.

If you are the one listening, do not interfere at all during these two minutes. Don't interrupt, don't ask questions, don't make comments. The idea is to listen to the words for the sake of listening. You can only nod your head, make faces and gestures. (Don't turn driving into a circus, though.)

In the next two minutes, switch roles. It is more interesting for the previous listener to answer another question.

So you will gradually learn to listen patiently and understand more. You'll also get used to speaking more tightly, which is an added bonus. Because it's true that people don't have much time, and being too circumspect often causes even the most polite interlocutor to interrupt the speaker.

Agree with the volunteer in the exercise that he will really try to speak for two minutes. This will help you learn another skill - listening to both the words and the silence between them. Pauses often make a big difference to what your interlocutor says or doesn't say.

In these pauses, we can reflect on the meaning of what the other person has said, psychologists point out. Try to keep your brain from wandering in those moments of silence. And refrain from making use of them as soon as you begin to speak.

This way you will get used to tolerating the so-called "awkward silence". Very often, because you can't stand it, you can make a mistake. You did not hear everything your interlocutor had to say, and you made incorrect interpretations. Or he has deftly let you do the talking to reveal his intentions.

With enough practice, effective listening—i.e. the one where you want to understand what the interlocutor is telling you, and you don't listen just to answer him, will become a habit, experts assure.

The next step that will lead you to success in whatever you do is to learn when to speak, but as an element of listening, not to make your own shift or demands.

Speaking as an element of effective listening means that you are not a sponge that absorbs, but a springboard.

It sounds a little vague, but here's what the experts have in mind.

You have listened patiently and carefully, you now think you have got the main idea. Now you need to make your interlocutor feel understood in what he is saying, to raise his self-confidence. Ask him questions, ask for clarification. By giving him feedback, his speaking and your listening become even more effective.

A good listener listens without interrupting, but also identifies the right time to ask questions, experts summarize. And this you will learn by developing the exercise.

After you have listened for two minutes, go into question mode. Ask them and keep them relevant to help the conversation flow smoothly.

Then discuss with your interlocutor what you did well and where you need to work more.

After practicing with a volunteer, try it in real-world settings. Also make it a goal to have one conversation each day where you focus primarily on being a great listener.

It is not difficult at all to find a candidate to speak. For example, while drinking coffee with a colleague. The chances of you meeting one who doesn't think of herself as the most interesting subject of conversation on the planet are pretty slim.

In this conversation, make it your goal not to tell, but only to ask. This will force you to really listen to what the other person is saying and stay in a mode where you are not dominating the conversation.

The climax of the open ears, that is. of your effective listening is for your interlocutor to know about it.

Perhaps you are already eager to finish spiritual hospitality, as Prof. Henry Nouwen calls it, and reach your own goals. Well, you've been walking towards them all along, but you only have the third step of the exercise left.

The icing on the cake is finishing the listening stage strong. Be sure to mention how interesting you had it. Be specific to send the message that you really listened. Practice being short, clear, and polite without being pathetic.

With this final touch, you strengthen the interlocutor's trust in you. And now you can start talking about what you really want.